


I was So Sure

by kunehonim



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Angst, BaekYeol - Freeform, ChanBaek - Freeform, Drama, Infidelity, M/M, Romance, chanlu - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-10
Updated: 2016-03-09
Packaged: 2018-07-26 15:26:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 14,009
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7579378
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kunehonim/pseuds/kunehonim
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>There’s nothing left but the noises—nothing left but the explosion inside him, his heart breaking to the tiniest pieces as guilt showers him with the realization of what he just ruined.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The End.

 

[ Baekhyun ]

 

Baekhyun doesn't know how many times it's been now, waking up in the middle of the night to find the space beside him long empty and cold. He doesn't know how many times it's been now, that he would toss and turn until the morning sun would rise, telling him he'd wasted a number of hours that could have saved him from all the worries.

Baekhyun wasn't blind. He wasn't numb. 

 

 

Getting married has been the best thing that happened in Baekhyun's life. Getting married, becoming a Park. He's fought on for the love that he holds right now for so many times that he was so sure that nothing would come in between them. After all the judgment that they had to go through, the nagging, and the shaking of his own shoulders as his parents pleaded that he wasn't doing the right decision of marrying into the Park's only son. Baekhyun was more than in love with the man that he disregarded the possibility, even if there was only a tad percent— of something going wrong.

"Chanyeol isn't the answer to your problems son, we know we lacked in so many things, we weren't there for you, we see that now and we plan to change it all!"

"How do you know the answers to my problems now, Ma? I don't even know what they are and now you claim that you do? Yeah, as if the 19 years that I spent alone in this stupid house was the best. You only see now of how much I needed you? How much I needed you both? Well, I have Chanyeol now. He makes me happy."

"It will not last forever, Baekhyun. You know that. You are clinging to him for something that you need from your parents!"

"What I need from you? I needed parental love from you! You and dad! I needed that but where was it? It was up on different flights, holding onto different tickets that went to different countries-- you think I still need that? I grew up way too quickly for my taste Ma, I wanted to enjoy a family that had both my father and mother-- not the maids and the butlers! But don't get me wrong, I love them. I learned to love them because they took your places."

"Baekhyun, son--"

"And I suggest you give them a raise because they did more than a job well done of taking your place. And what do you know about Chanyeol? Did you have his background checked or something? Is he out to steal your wealth like the leading men in every drama that you watch? Tell me, because by the way you are gripping this hard on me, it's like you've known him far better than I have."

"Listen to me, Baekhyun! I am your mother!"

"Biologically yes, but you never took part in being a real one. Do I have to repeat that again?"

 

A slap.

Baekhyun's first physical contact with his mother after a deadly grip was a hard slap that hit his cheek, quickly stinging him and his eyes going teary at the realization—both pity and anger hitting him at once.

His mother tried to apologize, her voice trembling as she repeated  _'What have I done?', 'I'm so sorry', 'Baekhyun, my baby I'm sorry'_. But Baekhyun wasn't having any of it. 

He picked himself up, looking down at his mother and then shifting his gaze to the only audience of his mother's "persuasion", his father.

He told off his parents that they were wrong, that they didn't know Chanyeol. They weren't there when he needed them anyways so what good would it be then of them trying to act like they cared for his well-being? Chanyeol was the best thing that happened in his life, and he vowed to prove it to them as he walked out the door, not saying anything that indicated whether or not he was coming back.

 

. . .

 

Fully graduated from the College of Arts, with a well-paying job as a rookie graphic artist, Baekhyun would stay home late into the night trying to conceptualize more pieces as he holds tightly onto his graphics tablet. 

Chanyeol, his husband of five years has been a successful owner of a well-off company that was started up under his name, something that his parents had entrusted to him upon the knowledge of their union. Baekhyun loved his in-laws as much as they loved him, they were more than accepting of him by the time they were formally introduced to one another.

Having been wordlessly disowned by his own family after walking out on them, his in-laws understood why he wasn't able to invite anyone from his side when the ceremony happened. Chanyeol's father was the one that walked him down the aisle...

 

Their marriage had been blissful. Chanyeol being the boss of his own self would push everything aside just to be with him, and they spent those days lying next to each other in bed, talking about the past or simply laughing around at home as Baekhyun carried his sketch book, Chanyeol's arms wrapped perfectly onto his waist. Everything seemed picture-perfect then, stolen kisses and obvious glances. 

Baekhyun and Chanyeol were very much in love with each other, and to them, getting married at such a young age wasn't something that they can consider as an out-of-a-whim decision. They hit it hard for each other.

But all of those suffocating good times were all a blurry number of years ago.

 

. . .

 

 Baekhyun lies in bed, body flat against the soft but seemingly hard cushion and he tries to recall but surrenders to the thought as he tells himself that he has already forgotten of when he started to notice something change.

Maybe it was when Chanyeol started to comb his hair back when he went to work...? Or was it when he came home and gave him the surprise of his life, his husband all of a sudden donning a bleeding red for his hair color, telling him that he found it suitable for himself...?

 

There were too many of a clue then, and by the time Chanyeol's kisses gradually turned into pecks, when love making reduced to make out sessions, Baekhyun saw the light that used to be present in his husband's eyes have toned down to a minimum— As if it was barely there.

 

He sighs long until he calms himself, telling his thoughts not to wander around to the bad ones. He has long tried to find out why his other half has grown distant from him when they shared the same bed, when they lived in the same house and especially when they sat across each other every single day. 

Oftentimes, Chanyeol would forget to kiss him goodbye when he went to work, and at some certain days in the week, he would receive a call from him, saying that he would have to stay in the company because of an overdue project.

Baekhyun sought for his husband then. He could recall himself whipping his head around the completely foreign company, getting lost a few times and asking for the direction to CEO Park's office but getting no help at all.

 

 

"Lu Han?" 

It wasn't the name that made him flinch, wasn't what made him head for the tightest spot that he could squeeze himself into as he felt that the source of the voice wasn't quite far from where he stood.

"Yes sir?"

"Can you get these papers to Mr. Oh?"

"Alright."

Footsteps tapped onto the floor, silence suddenly given all of it to him as if it was the right time to find out— And suddenly there was the sliding of the feet, someone giggling lowly and it hurt him to know that the other person's laugh was more than familiar to him.

Baekhyun could hear the way a pair of lips would land onto bare skin, a peck but a naughty one offered, the sound of it echoing into his ears and he doesn't do so much as to react to it because he doesn't want to believe it just yet.

"Let go..."

"There's no one around."

"Even so, we're at work." He could hear a giggle escape the lips of the other.

Baekhyun closed his eyes, hands balled up into a fist as he inhales a large amount of air-- larger than life because he doesn't want to cause anyone any harm.  He tries  _so_  very hard to contain himself as he hears Chanyeol, his husband hum playfully and the other person that he's with giggle like a love-struck teenager as if they were the only people alive on Earth.

"Can we do this at home, then?"

 

 _Home_  it rings into his ears.

"Okay."

_Home._

Baekhyun lifts a hand to seal his lips, to stop himself from bawling his eyes out there— because he realizes that tears have finally made its way out of his eyes, his breathing labored and nothing else matters as he finally sights a brunet pass by him, carrying a bundle of folders humming happily as he turned to the right. 

He isn't even surprised when he felt his mobile vibrate in his pocket. Baekhyun had somewhat subconsciously expected it now.

A new message is notified onto his phone, the wallpaper of him and his husband smiling up at him as if today was just a bad dream. Baekhyun prays to every God that it is— that he wakes up from this right now, this very instant.

But as he heartbreakingly presses his thumb over the message icon, proceeding to the name of the man that he's five years given everything that he is to, Baekhyun realizes that no waking up will be done.

 

_'I won't be able to make it home today, Baekhyun-ah.  My staff and I are doing an all-nighter for a new line. Please don't wait up for me and go to sleep. Goodnight. -Chanyeol.'_

 

. . .

 

Chanyeol's next excuse was a business trip. 

But Baekhyun was already aware. Ever since, he's taken a habit to waking up in the middle of the night, invading a privacy that shouldn't have existed ever since the _I do_ s. 

In the surface, Chanyeol's wallpaper is of him. Baekhyun feels a bad grumble boiling at the pit of his stomach as he tries very hard not to throw the device out the window and kick the male asleep beside him, to finally blow it all up and tell him he's been long caught of his affair. But Baekhyun doesn't do that exactly.

He looks into the text messages, oceans of them, swarmed with messages that relates to work and the new line that Chanyeol had been using as an excuse. And when he finally finds the name Lu Han, Baekhyun is able to date of when they had started everything. The kind _thank you_ s slowly turned into ' _as always'_ , the _good evenings_ evolved into _good nights_ , and the _take care_ , drastically changed to ' _I can't wait to see you again_.'

Baekhyun expertly places the device back to where he picked it from, feigning asleep as the sun rose to tell Chanyeol it was the time to leave him. Again.

 

 

[ Chanyeol ]

 

Guilt eats him up alive. He knows it because he can feel it churning in his stomach. 

Chanyeol was more than aware that this was wrong. All of it, but there was something thrilling to hiding something-- Something that was forbidden. And it was the relationship that he'd unexpectedly raised with his worker.

 

It all started with friendship— as all relationship does. Chanyeol had always been uptight with workers, but he doesn't know why or how the smaller male managed to invade him. He was strong-willed, always willing to learn, and the fact that he was good at the things he did was cherry at the top. 

 

Chanyeol never intended to take things this far. He wasn't going to do it like this—He is a married man, he knew that. But there was something in Lu Han that made him come back every time he tried to pull away. Chanyeol knew he was committing a sin, God knew how much he wanted to stop— but the very existence of the brunet prevented him from doing what he originally told himself to do. He came onto him like he was some sort of heroin.

To Chanyeol, Lu Han was suffocatingly addicting.

 

Maybe it was because he reminded him of Baekhyun when they first met— eyes focused, and personality strong. Lu Han was like a very independent version of his husband, and that's what pulled him in.

He told himself that they could be friends— there was no harm in befriending a co-worker. But what Chanyeol miscalculated was the welcome party that they organized not only for Lu Han but also for Mr. Oh. Chanyeol was caught off-guard when he was shoved different glasses of booze, told to drink them all up because tonight was for the company.

Somewhere along the way of gulping down alcohol, the heat lining to his throat and passing out— Chanyeol awoke with scratches on his skin, kiss marks on his chest and a very much naked Lu Han beside him, bundled up in bed indicating of how much he'd ravaged him without clearance of thought. He was told to take responsibility— But he'd told the male again and again of how he is a married man, that he was happy in his marriage.

Yet somewhere along the way, Chanyeol found himself smiling at the mere mention of the boy's name.

As if first love came a second time.

Chanyeol had blurred himself from the thought of Baekhyun— eventually becoming a natural liar to his other half, sending him text messages with a grim expression of how he was staying in the company for an overtime, when in truth, he would be curled under the sheets of someone else's bed, in someone else's house...

Only when he would be done clicking the send button does his eyes glitter with a familiar lust—with life – towards the boy that he is holding in his arms and he engraves it within himself that he needs this.

 

The morning Chanyeol awakes, he darts to the bathroom, cleaning himself up inwardly and gleeful over the fact that he was going on a trip with Lu Han. He disregards Baekhyun who is sleeping in the same bed that he woke up in, just padding back and forth from the suitcase that he plans to take with him and to their shared closet. 

Chanyeol wears the best shirt that he has; one that he'd saved for his Wedding Anniversary with Baekhyun if he were still mindful of the event— but now excitedly puts it on, looking forward to the compliment that his lover would send his way as soon as they meet at the Airport. Chanyeol hurriedly checks his watch, zips his suitcase up and prepares to leave when Baekhyun stirs awake.

"... Chanyeol? Are you leaving?"

"Y-yes, Baekhyun _nie_." He murmurs. Chanyeol could feel the clawing at his throat once again—another new lie that stems to a whole tree of it now. Chanyeol has grown used to this.

"Can you do me a favor before you go?"

"What is it?"

"I applied to an Art course, and it's requiring my guardian's signature, can you sign it? The papers are just at the coffee table."

"Alright." Chanyeol walks over to Baekhyun, and he realizes that it's been so long since he actually saw his husband like this—newly awake but still dazzling by the way he flapped his eyelids on and off, "I'll be back before you know it, alright?" 

Baekhyun nods at his words and he feels slightly at peace. Planting a small kiss on the latter's forehead, Chanyeol turns after bidding him goodbye and picking up his suitcase. As soon as Chanyeol closes the door behind him, making sure that Baekhyun sunk back to the comforts of their bed, he scrambles towards the said coffee table and cups himself for a pen.

 

His eyes only aim for the dotted lines visible, making sure that all of it said Sign Here. He doesn't even notice the way the first page flew off as if it was a scratch paper of some sort, and he leaves, hailing a cab for the airport.

 

 

[ Baekhyun ]

 

Baekhyun waits for half the hour before he sighs shakily.

 

With the main door closing to a loud thud, he laughs at himself eerily because Chanyeol didn't notice.

Baekhyun picks himself up, knees shaking as he curls and uncurls his fingers. He heads to the bathroom and washes his face, staring at himself as if he doesn't recognize the person staring back at him anymore. There was no trace of happiness in there, and Baekhyun wonders why Chanyeol hasn't noticed it all this time.

All the times that he tried to give him hints that he already knew of what he was doing.

 

Baekhyun changes into a more comfortable clothing. He heads straight to the coffee table at the living room and he sees the paper that he used as the front page on the floor. Baekhyun wonders if Chanyeol actually took the time to read it, because if he did, he would have at least stopped to talk about it...

Baekhyun holds his left hand out, spreading his fingers apart from one another as he admires the ring that adorned his finger for 6 years now— today. And it comes off as a bitter joke of how he had easily tricked his husband into signing the divorce papers without actually realizing so. At the very least, he could grant Chanyeol the freedom that he so obviously needs. He wouldn't have to go sneaking around anymore.

 

He takes it within himself to at least reveal the truth to Chanyeol.

Grabbing the papers from the coffee table, Baekhyun heads back to their shared room and gets out his own luggage. He packs his things— ones that he legally owned from the very beginning and he does the deed of calling his soon-to-be-ex-husband for the very last time.

 

Chanyeol picked up the phone after the fourth ring.

"Hello?"

Or the person that has his phone did...

"Can I speak to Chanyeol please?" Baekhyun mutters—It's too foreign to be pleading to talk to his own husband like this.

"Hello?"

"Chanyeol."

"Baek— We—  _I_  have to board the plane now."

"I know. That's why I called."

"What's wrong? Did something happen?"

"I just wanted to wish you a _Happy Anniversary_ , Chanyeol." He speaks flatly onto the line and he can sense the way Chanyeol is hesitant to respond to him.

 

He hears Lu Han's voice at the background and Baekhyun doesn't strain himself from the pain that is inflicted onto his heart for the millionth time ever since he found out—"I hope you enjoy your trip."

_'Channie!'_

"Baekhyun, I—"

"Go on. _Lu Han's waiting for you_. The boarding gates might close soon." Baekhyun doesn't wait for Chanyeol to greet him the same thing. He hangs up on the phone before anything else, and just as he was done packing, he leaves the set of keys that was solely for his use by the coffee table. He leaves everything— making sure that it is all in place as if he hadn't been there for the 6 years of his life.

 

 

 

[ Chanyeol ]

 

Every muscle in his body shakes as the realization hits him. Now seated onto his chair, the symbol of the seatbelts lit up to prepare for take-off, Chanyeol tries to swallow the lump in his throat that is blaming him so hard he doesn't know if he actually live through the revelation.

 

Baekhyun knew.

He knew yet he never confronted him about it. He knew—About Lu Han, about his stupidity.

 

Something shifts within himself as if he was shaken back to everything before Lu Han came into his life. Chanyeol cries. Ignoring the aching noise that is coming up to his ears as the airplane rises up into the skies— ignoring Lu Han who keeps holding him by the face as he constantly asks him what’s wrong. Chanyeol doesn’t hear him.

He’s instantly grown deaf because all he hears is the crashing of the 6 years he’s built up well with his husband. He hears Baekhyun’s unshed tears trickle, and the sobs that he never heard before. They’re all ringing in his ears that he closes his eyes.

He wished he could turn back time but it’s too late now.

There’s nothing left but the noises—nothing left but the explosion inside him, his heart breaking to the tiniest pieces as guilt showers him with the realization of what he just ruined.

Chanyeol vows to take the next possible flight back to Seoul.

 

. . .

 

Chanyeol hadn't expected what he came home to. 

 

After ignoring the crying mess that was Lu Han when he decided to break things off then and there, Chanyeol saw his life as if it were a left-over of a battlefield. The deadly silence welcomed him home; their happy voices playing at the back of his mind as he bitterly took the silence in.

He pads quietly towards their bedroom. Finding Baekhyun's wedding ring placed on the coffee table, he holds onto it for dear life. He fights back a sob as he quietly peeks into their room, preparing himself for the worst— that Baekhyun has left him for good.

 

But there, seated at the end of their bed, luggage locked and prepared, Baekhyun has his face buried onto his own hands, a brown envelope settled at his side. Chanyeol feels his heart clenching at the sight. At the painful yet wonderful sight-- that told him that he _almost_ lost his most important person. Sobs escape Baekhyun's lips as he whispers brokenly, "I can't... I can't. I love him too much."

And before anything else was said, Chanyeol feels his own tears trailing down from his eyes. He doesn't hold himself back and he simply launches himself at the crying male, his face digging onto the junction of Baekhyun's neck, "I told you I was going to be back before you knew it."

"C-Chanyeol what—"

 

Chanyeol simply hushes him. He rocks him gently as he allows his own tears to flow. His heart aches from the realization. How much he's damaged their married life— He could only begin to imagine what it could have felt like for Baekhyun. And somehow all the things that he would have considered as sweet when he was with Lu Han had turned sour— All of it becoming stabs in his heart as it dawns to him of how much he's hurt his other half. How much he let things drag on and get out of hand.

"I'm sorry."

Baekhyun simply shakes his head, and Chanyeol quickly imprisons the male in between his hands, "I'm sorry. I have no excuse for what I have done— I was blind, stupid for letting myself stray, Baekhyun."

"I was so sure, Chanyeol— I was so sure that we were going to be together forever."

"And we will, Baekhyun. I promise you that we will."

 

Chanyeol felt the ground he stood on deteriorate as the silence engulfed them.

 

 

[ Baekhyun ]

 

Baekhyun was trapped in Chanyeol's embrace that afternoon. They'd cried in each other's hold, each of his own reasons. Chanyeol had again and again chanted into his ears of how apologetic he was over what had happened— of his stupidity as he claimed, and Baekhyun cried for the fact that he knew he wouldn't want to be anywhere else than to be with him... No matter the damage it made to their relationship.

Chanyeol had offered him explanations-- to tell him why and how it all started. But Baekhyun didn't want to hear any of it. He was scared. He was... for a loss of words, sorry for himself.

"I want to fix this, Baekhyun."

"... I don't know. I just— I just need time, Chanyeol."

"Baekhyun."

 

When they'd both calmed down, Chanyeol had himself kneeling in front of the smaller, Baekhyun seated in bed with his hands to himself as he tried to keep himself whole.

He was scared for the future now...

"I need time," he sighed shakily, "I'm just... really lost right now. It hurts."

Chanyeol let out a whimper in response, too vocal for him that it had the left-over tears in his eyes to trickle down.

"Please. We both need this."

 

But it wasn't going to be the same. 

 

Baekhyun knew it for a fact. Although he'd felt himself soar the moment he found that Chanyeol had come back to him, it was going to be a scar that will always be remembered. His mind had told him to just disappear and leave, but his heart always prevented him every time he thought about reaching for his luggage and running away. It's going to be a relationship with no mended trust—  filled with anxiety that should never have been there in the first place...

And Baekhyun was sure that it wasn't going to go away, at least not for a very long time.

 

 

[ Chanyeol ]

 

Chanyeol hated it. If only he could turn back time he could have stopped himself-- beat himself up just so he could prevent things from happening. But he couldn't. This was the path that he'd chosen, the mistake that he allowed himself to make after all the things that he had gone through with Baekhyun.

 

How could he be so stupid? He, of all people should have known that Baekhyun would be the one on the receiving end of his stupid acts. He was a husband to him, a very good one at that— but he ruined it.

Baekhyun wouldn't even look at him for 3 straight seconds anymore, quickly focusing his eyes to somewhere else. Chanyeol, after the day he flew back to Seoul felt himself die a few dozen times, replaying in his thoughts of every time he typed in those text messages, lying to his husband.

 

How could he? He was beyond stupid, and he knew he was playing life and death now. There is the biggest possibility that Baekhyun would leave him. 

After he'd allowed Baekhyun's wish of giving him time, he'd remained quiet around the house. Chanyeol grew cautious of his actions whenever Baekhyun was around, as if every move he made was a mistake— He knew he shouldn't victimize himself, he had no one else to blame but himself for giving in to the temptation that he never thought would come to him. But he couldn't help it. He was torturing himself the moment he jolted from the _'joy'_ of the trip that he was supposed to take with Lu Han. He never actually brought Baekhyun out of the city— How the fuck could he?

 

Three days passed. Chanyeol hasn't returned to work. Though he left the office in the hands of one of his good men, he made sure to have his office moved to the uppermost floor of the company building where no one else was allowed to enter except for a few assigned workers. 

Chanyeol didn't fire Lu Han. He didn't know if he was doing the right thing or not, but he didn't want a good worker to go to waste. He was going to face Luhan soon enough and he's going to draw the line. 

Luhan had tried to call him; Chanyeol didn't want to answer just yet. For the few months that he'd known the latter, Chanyeol could sense that he was still being blinded by his emotions, and he wasn't calling because he's gotten over it— he was calling because he still wanted to keep going.

 

But Chanyeol wasn't going to go back to that side anymore no matter what happened. It cost him his role as Baekhyun's husband when he made that mistake, and he wanted more than anything to save it.

 

Chanyeol vowed to himself that he was going to change for the better.

 

 

[ Baekhyun ]

 

Today was just the same for Baekhyun. 

 

Though they'd shared the same bed despite everything being in the open now, he would wake up with Chanyeol already gone and he'd find himself alone. He did ask for time and Baekhyun was grateful that Chanyeol understands that, and is giving it to him. But somehow on the inside, he just couldn't help but doubt everything. What if Chanyeol had gone back to Lu Han after all? What if he'd just come back to reassure himself that he wasn't going to go anywhere...?

Baekhyun knew better than to doubt Chanyeol, but this is what it has all brought to him. He was going to be the over-thinking husband that Chanyeol had made him out to be, always worried, always anxious.

 

The feelings are all too much to bear, all too heavy to carry on his shoulders altogether. He wanted to just give them all up but still, he knew he couldn't. Baekhyun could see it all happening to him, running to the taller's office and keeping guard outside just because of how he's desperately in love with him, how he desperately wants to keep Chanyeol by his side and Baekhyun was scared because as stupid as the thought may sound, he was, as a matter of fact, considering doing it.

But the thought of Chanyeol's betrayal keeps him from wanting to throw everyone in the face that he was in love with him. Chanyeol did cheat on him, so where was he basing the idea that Chanyeol still loved him?

 

Sitting up in bed, Baekhyun couldn't help but take a pitiful look at his own hands. Why was fate so cruel? His own parents were barely there for him— why was his own husband being taken away from him too? He felt the lump on his throat resurface— the one he'd been enduring ever since he'd planned to leave. Sometimes Baekhyun wondered why he had to wake up to this nightmare.

Sighing, Baekhyun struggled to get out of the blankets. He looked around in their shared room, the luggage that he had with him days ago still very much present. He vividly remembered the brown envelope that he had with him then, and as he did, he picked himself up to look for them; the divorce papers.

 

He'd forgotten all about them after the brain-wrecking event that happened, he found himself snuggled in bed in the morning with everything put away. Sure, Chanyeol didn't know of his intentions, but they were more than obvious by the way his own things were packed. Chanyeol could have broken down because he thought he was leaving— which he was.

Baekhyun picked himself up, slinging the blankets to the side; he stood up and stretched, and started for his hunt. For all he knew, Chanyeol had gone back to work to continue his workaholic routines, always leaving him on his own. He was used to it by now— always fueled by his love for the male; always blindly trusting him. But the crack in his heart has made Baekhyun take an unusual turn— he was looking for the divorce papers because he was waiting yet again, for the next strike to hit.

He was going to consider it no matter how painful even the thought made him feel. If Chanyeol, in one way or another, wants nothing to do with him, he was going to give him his freedom back.

 

"What are you looking for?"

It was a hushed question, but the fact that someone else was still at home with him shocked him. Baekhyun turned to the door cautiously, finding Chanyeol in a very-much casual get-up, still on his pajama pants and his white undershirt from last night when he went out. 

"N-nothing. I'm looking for my things." Baekhyun muttered, quickly turning his eyes elsewhere.

Picking himself up, Baekhyun walked past the taller and took to his luggage. But before he could reach it, Chanyeol had held him from behind. Baekhyun didn't know what to think of— it was too early in the morning for anything at all. He made no move to remove himself from the male. He was feeling both tense and comfortable that he didn't really know what to do until Chanyeol whispered sadly behind him, "Are you... Really leaving me?" 

"Chanyeol..." He sighed, "I'm not. I'm not leaving— At least not now, Chanyeol."

 

Baekhyun slowly turned around, turned to face Chanyeol. Baekhyun knew that Chanyeol had done nothing but stare at him these past few days. He wanted to just tell him that everything was going to be fine— he wanted it to be, but no one knows that anymore. Chanyeol held his hand as soon as he fixated himself, looking up at the redhead. 

 

Chanyeol's face... Ever since he came back had all grown tired, filled with worry.

He looked lonely.

Circles in his eyes that never existed had formed already and Baekhyun knew this had something to do with what's happening between them.

 

They were slipping away.

 

He raised a hand towards the taller— very hesitant over what he was going to do, but he still did so. He stroke Chanyeol's cheek, "You didn't sleep?"

Chanyeol simply sighed in response— as if he was holding a breath that he should never let go of. Baekhyun received a shaking of his head, and he already knew what Chanyeol was going to say when he did, "I couldn't. I'm scared. I'm scared that you'll leave me. I'm scared that you'll walk out, Baek. Look, I know I messed up— I know I ruined—"

"Chanyeol," Baekhyun muttered, halting the male, "C-can we... Not talk about it for today?"

The redhead pursed his lips together and cautiously nodded. Baekhyun's heart pounded by the way he said it like he was implying for it to be forgotten— He'd wished that it could actually happen, bury the issue and forget it all. But he can't because the damn thought keeps dripping down to his view of his husband. It was all too scary, but today Baekhyun wanted to ignore it. He wanted to feel what it's like to think nothing about what had happened.

 

Baekhyun allowed the latter to take both of his hands, his thoughts leaving the brown envelope that he's been looking for. 

"Are you hungry?" Chanyeol began, and there's somewhat a small tint of hope that is shining from his eyes. 

"Y-yeah, I actually am."

 

Chanyeol led him out of their bedroom. Still in his own sleeping attire, face unwashed and somewhat sore, Baekhyun allowed himself to be brought into their dining room.

The aroma of the newly brewed coffee came greeting him, quickly allowing him to relax, and as if his husband had actually made him feel a little better, Baekhyun was seated in front of their round dining table, Chanyeol quickly going to the kitchen to get out two plates of breakfast.

 

 

[ Chanyeol ]

 

It's a petty excuse of the beginning of his making up. Chanyeol began the day earlier than he usually does; only tossing around to find Baekhyun's sleeping form. He couldn't begin to explain himself even if Baekhyun gave him the time to— because like he always said, he doesn't know why or whatever it was that possessed him that he continued to be with Lu Han. 

 

The first time was an accident— sleeping with him under the influence of alcohol, but he knew he shouldn't have _'taken responsibility'_. He has Baekhyun and he was more than content with his husband. Getting carried away wasn't an excuse. Chanyeol did something unforgivable, and the fact that Baekhyun stayed with him even after he's found out is a miracle.

And as if it had become a routine, after Baekhyun had told him that morning to not talk about what happened, Chanyeol had taken him out on dates, they'd come home late in the night, sometimes watching movies until the morning rose up. Chanyeol never missed a day where he made breakfast. He would sometimes go up to their room to wake Baekhyun up, greeting him calmly while Baekhyun would calmly accept him. 

 

Things were looking up, they were relaxed, but the fact that they didn't clear anything up made him anxious. Baekhyun didn't want to talk about it, but now more than ever, Chanyeol wanted to assure him that there will never be another time of it. He loves Baekhyun with all his heart, and the fact that Chanyeol ignores the few times of how he would catch the smaller stare at him with a foreign gaze kills him makes him want to even more tell his husband.

He belongs with Baekhyun. All of him. And he's even more scared now because they are cuddled up together, Baekhyun looking up to him and Chanyeol knows he wouldn't be able to control himself.

 

He eases down, very slowly watching the smaller's reaction. But when Baekhyun made no move to get away from him, he'd simply landed his lips against the ones that he's yearned to touch. It was a simple kiss-- Chanyeol pressed up against Baekhyun's, and things went as fast as they could, Baekhyun pulling away from him, arms around himself as he shook his head.

Chanyeol was at loss for words as he noticed the way Baekhyun's hands shook— How he shook his head as he squeezed himself at the corner.

 

"I can't. Do this. Chanyeol."

"B-Baekhyun..."

 

Baekhyun continued to shake his head, ignoring him— While Chanyeol could feel his heart dying as the seconds passed, Baekhyun's sobs becoming more and more vocal as he rocked himself, face buried as he continued, "I can't do this. I can't do it anymore. I— I know it was stupid of me but I'm— I asked for this— to pretend that nothing happened, but I can't do it. Not like this, Chanyeol we're not working out anymore. I can see by the way you look at me; you're breaking inside as much as I am, but I can't pretend anymore. I can't bring myself to continue like this when I knew you had someone in your heart while I only had you from the beginning."

 

"Baekhyun, listen to me--"

 

"I can't pretend because no matter how much I enjoy mornings with you, the simply thought that someone— someone had you, Chanyeol. Someone else kissed you, held you in their arms," He took in a shaky breath and Chanyeol felt tears streaming down his own eyes, "And the fact that you lied to me just to be with that person-- I wasn't blind Chanyeol, I saw how you changed. You were happy-- Probably happier than when we got married, I don't know! I'm so shaken up despite the fact that I know I love you so much that I'm willing to let this slip, but Chanyeol." Baekhyun's voice ended in a high pitch, his sobs interfering with his words, "But Chanyeol..."

Baekhyun looked up at him, nose red and his eyes tearing as if he wasn't going to stop anytime soon, "I'm scared because I'm changing. I... Things are playing with my head— Thoughts that shouldn't even be there."

Chanyeol swallowed the lump stuck in his throat as he continued to let it all sink into him, every word from Baekhyun, not going unheard.

"I doubt you every time you leave the house. I ask myself who you're with again— what you're doing.

Chanyeol, I can't even look at my phone without expecting a text message where you'll tell me you won't come home. You've told me again and again that you were done, but I'm not. My sub consciousness isn't done, Chanyeol and each day that passes, I only wait for the next time where you'll ditch me for someone else."

Chanyeol watched with a heavy heart, how Baekhyun stood shakily, carrying himself towards their room.

 

He curled up on the floor, letting the tears continue to flow because he couldn't find any words to say to Baekhyun.

 

He ruined everything...

 

 

 So when the morning came, Chanyeol wasn't surprised to find their bed fixed with a simple note atop of it.

Chanyeol didn't expect anything, but when he read the note 'I love you.’ Chanyeol fell on his knees, realizing what he'd lost.

 

Baekhyun's luggage was finally gone.


	2. A New Beginning

 

[ Baekhyun ]

Baekhyun sits in the same corner staring at his laptop. He’s hugging his graphic tablet while he has his legs crossed onto his seat, mind void and dark because peace hasn’t made its comeback in his being even though it’s been too many months ago since he returned.

His mother doesn’t check up on him whenever he chooses not to go downstairs to join them during breakfast. She knows what’s going on, knows that he doesn’t want to talk or elaborate on what went down to make him come running back to them in tears and an incoherent voice.

After all, the both of them share the same experience.

The difference is, Baekhyun chose to walk away.

  
It was in a timely manner that it rained that day, so early in the morning when one would most expect the birds to chirp a melody, to ease the longing that rooted itself in his gut the moment he shut the door ever so quietly. Baekhyun’s shoulders felt heavy, his heart bleeding out as he took one step after another because he was well aware that despite the fact that Chanyeol played him, he was willing to let it slip as long as he got reassurance.

But even the mere idea that he would have to be assured every time Chanyeol did so little as to talk to anyone that he didn’t know was scary for him.

He doesn’t want to be like that at all; what happened to the both of them, to their marriage—it’s something that has etched itself greatly on his chest, and a day may come when he will forgive, but it scares him of the thought that he might not forget.

In all honesty, he wants to.

It’s just that—seeing Chanyeol on a daily basis prevents that. It roots him in his despair; the clawing inside him felt like it was a healing wound that keeps getting peeled off only to bleed all over again.

It hurts the more the days pass, knowing that he isn’t the only one suffering. It makes him want to think about where he did wrong, why he didn’t notice and ask himself where and why he lacked so much that Chanyeol had to look elsewhere.

  
Quietly in the dark, the brunet wipes his flowing tears. His eyes are still swollen because he keeps dreaming about the night when he finally let loose his worries—dreams about Chanyeol’s devastated expression, regret marring his form as he cried in front of him.

Baekhyun always dreams about it—their breaking point.

And as much as he tries to tell himself to get over it, he continuously mourns over the love that he’s yearned for all of his life, the love that he got—the one that surpassed his expectation, the love that reached its breakdown so fast he didn’t realize the fire was dying out.

With a pair of trembling lips, he shuts the laptop screen.

Another day without art, another day with this emptiness; he gets up from his seat, leaving the graphic tablet there on the chair. He walks in the darkness, doesn’t draw the curtains for fear of what he’ll see again. Only walks back to his bed to be buried under the sheets.

He doesn’t want anything—doesn’t know what he wants anymore.

  
. . .

 

The skies are grey that morning, the impending tears of the heavens making their way through a drizzle. Baekhyun could hear the rumbling of the skies, expressing the same anguish.

It’s been exactly an hour and a half, and it’s only then that his mother dares to knock on the door, offer him soup or try to coax him into parting his curtains because there’s someone outside.

The bed dips, announcing his mom’s presence. Baekhyun weighs his option—feign sleep or prevent her from saying a word.

But his heart constricts instead as he feels her soft fingertips caressing the back of his hand. He knows there’s something there—akin to a wish that they are all uncertain of coming true.

  
When the days of Baekhyun’s taking refuge in his parents’ home stretched long enough to say that there really was something wrong after he broke down upon his return, the brunet had gained back a family that he thought he’d lost forever.

  
While Baekhyun’s mother apologized for not being there, his father had asked him—coaxed him with the most worried tone he’s ever heard him use. Their voices were laced with what he needed all those years growing up alone, and somehow, he realized that maybe it was just as his mother told him those years ago.

Was he leaning on Chanyeol for a love that wasn’t supposed to be found in what they had?

Maybe that’s why Chanyeol was easily stolen away from him.

Had he found the love that he wanted with someone else?

  
Even until now, entertaining the thought of someone taking his place makes him ache.

His insides churn in a way never before; as if something so precious had been stolen from him—something he couldn’t live without.

A trembling sob escapes him, giving him away. The brunet couldn’t help but press onto his mother’s hand, wanting to be cradled like a mere child who’d lost an invaluable belonging.

“Baekhyun, son…” She murmured, “Don’t you think it’s time to let yourself face this?”

He didn’t know what to say, in all honesty. He doesn’t know when he can face this again.

“He’s here, Baekhyun. Just like yesterday. But he said he won’t come in. Not until you looked out your window.

Really,” she mused, “You’re both so alike, no wonder you got married without our consent—“

“Mom, please…” He murmured, still weeping, “Now’s not the time.”

“Then when is it time, Baekhyun?” She whispered, closing in on him to wipe the sweat on his face.

She kisses him on the forehead, and her hand travels towards his shoulder to pat him gently, “You have to know, son. That more than the time when you left and went against us to marry him, I realize only now how much you love him.

And how much he loves you back—it’s not every day in a marriage like this that you find your husband begging for you to come back. Even when your dad did the same to me when we were in France, I flew out of the country, and he looked for me everywhere just to apologize; just to cry in my doorstep begging me to look at him.

It’s very much alike to your situation now. Just that I was glad to forget his mistakes all so soon; you have to know, that what Chanyeol’s trying to prove now is his loyalty and that you can trust him again.

I know you’re well-aware that most cheating husbands choose to end up with their mistresses.

But he’s here—and that has more things to say than Chanyeol still cherishing you.”

“How… how do you know?” He whispered.

His mother takes in a dragged breath, sighing only as though she was holding herself back from doing so, “He started coming here two nights ago. And I may or may have not heard from him.

He’s really sorry, son.”

Baekhyun’s lips began to tremble, he didn’t know why he even felt guilty—his mother was making him feel this way. As though she had it easier when she found out his dad fucked up.

“A simple apology won’t suffice for what he did, Ma.” Baekhyun cried, “I was so hurt—he broke my heart, he changed and all for what?

He changed for his stupid secretary! They were flirting around in the company, letting the workers there see him. He had no shame, cheating on me whilst everyone could see him.

He’s—I… I don’t know who he is anymore.

He’s not the Chanyeol that I fell in love with.” He sobbed, curling against himself as his body was wrecked with hurt. Baekhyun hoped that the conversation would end. He wasn’t ready for this confrontation. He doesn’t even know when he’ll heal, and for him, it’s beginning to feel like staying in his bed would be the best thing until he’s ready to stand up again.

Baekhyun chose not to hear Chanyeol out—all because he’s seen it all, how it changed him. He saw it in those text messages that his husband had exchanged with that boy. He saw how he was different; saw how they acted around with each other when nobody was looking.

It hurt him in more ways than a dozen, to know that he was being lied to right in the face. That Chanyeol could come home to him with a smile on his face as though he wasn’t doing anything wrong—that he wasn’t stabbing him a thousand of times whenever he caressed someone else.

It hurt him to realize, that Chanyeol could so easily feel home with someone else, when he—himself, did not even feel that way in his parents’ company because he isn’t there.

  
With the thoughts continuously stabbing at him, the brunet allowed himself a wrecked sob, grabbing onto the sheets because the pain is back, his heart—he can feel it crushing, hear its crunches as the thought of Chanyeol finally walking away from what they have caresses him.

Baekhyun knows very well that he chose to leave—but never.

  
Never in this lifetime or any other would he ever choose to walk away from Chanyeol.

  
. . .

  
The afternoon stretches out greatly. Baekhyun didn’t budge in his bedroom, still nursing a broken heart, a trashed ego and a betrayed being.

He knows he can’t get over it more all because of what he attempted to do. He tried to act like it never happened—made Chanyeol play along in his make-believe.

He thinks he’s more frustrated by the fact that Chanyeol so easily went along. He shouldn’t have—he should have yelled at him, they should have hit each other, cried it out together like a miserable couple who didn’t want to end it.

 

 

[ Chanyeol ]

Devastation is what befalls him, months after Baekhyun had left. The note he left in their bed being his only companion, Chanyeol had decided to have it framed by his bed-side, making sure to look at it every waking moment.

He’s wanted to make Baekhyun stay, but he wasn’t going to be selfish to force him.

Chanyeol thinks that this is karma finally making its final destination. He doesn’t even know how to start, remembering how he got involved with Luhan.

It hurts because he realizes too late what he ruined—realizes too late that happiness does not lie in Luhan’s embrace. That the happiness that he’s long ago cared for and showered with genuine love had finally walked out on him because he couldn’t do a damn job at keep it.

  
But that note keeps him alive.

Just barely enough to let him breathe guilt in and out of his lungs; it’s enough to make him sail in two seas—the one that wants to try, and the one that wants to set him free.

  
It took Chanyeol more than a few months to decide that he wants to prove himself worthy again.

  
. . .

  
He started with the company. Having his things moved up to the upper floor and enforce strict entry. Chanyeol had stopped allowing just anyone to enter his office because he’s heard from a few that Luhan had been hounding him there since the past few weeks after what happened.

Facing Luhan was one of the most nerve-wrecking moments in his life. Chanyeol had accepted all the slap and punches that the petite granted him—who cried shamelessly before him.

Somehow it differed this time—and he’d seen how much he was under some sort of insanity because if this’d happened way back when he was still intoxicated, he knew to himself that he would have pulled him close.

But now, he doesn’t feel an ounce of that. All he feels is bile in his throat, guilt mixing in to tell him to keep it down and live with his wrong-doings.

Chanyeol hates the feeling—but the more he thinks about how worse Baekhyun is feeling; it keeps him alive to think to himself how much he deserves this.

  
Luhan stood so close with heaving breaths, tears rolling down his cheeks as his shoulders shook with hurt.

“I’m sorry.” The both of them muttered at the same time.

And Luhan looks up with his eyebrows twitching, his face swollen from the tears, “I’m sorry—that I still want you,” He sobbed, “I’m trying so hard to work around it—but, Chanyeol can’t you—“

“I’m so close to losing the person that I love, Luhan.” He said in a hushed devastated voice, and only when the petite stepped away from him with awe marring his expression did Chanyeol himself realize that he was crying.

“I’m so fucking close to losing my husband. So I’m begging you, please just forget about me.

You know very well how I was against this in the beginning. Whatever got into me to keep going god forgive me because I fucking regret everything that happened between us.” He choked out a sob, “Someday, Luhan—someday you’ll find someone much better than this. You’ll find someone you don’t want to lose—“

“But I don’t want to lose you!” The boy cried, stomping on his feet.

“You didn’t want to lose me because I was a good fuck.

I don’t want to part in ugly terms, Luhan. I want to walk in the streets and encounter you—for us to one day smile and acknowledge each other because we were good old friends…

Whatever it was that we had, I fucking promise you—that you’ll have something much better. I can’t say when, nor can I say with whom, but I know, there will be someone out there who’ll love you just as much as I love my husband.

He’s my life, Lu.

And if by whatever miracle would come that he gives me a chance to start over again, I swear on life itself that I will not be making any mistakes to make him walk away from me ever again.

So please…”

  
. . .

  
Chanyeol lay in bed every night, holding tightly onto the small frame. He can’t sleep in his side of the bed anymore; sheets haven’t been washed since a long time because he makes sure to keep Baekhyun’s presence alive there.

Instead, there’s a small couch by the side. Their bedroom’s renovated now too.

Chanyeol doesn’t go to work as much as he did before, only going to the office once or thrice a week when he has papers to sign.

It’s ironic how he used to prefer being at work when he had Baekhyun waiting here for him—and even more ironic because he’s making efforts to be at home now, when Baekhyun’s no longer waiting for him.

But would it still be ironic—when his reason is that he’s hoping that Baekhyun would come back?

With a sigh gracing his lips, the red-head ruffles his own hair, turning towards the backrest of the couch to dive into the darkness.

He knows he’s the one at fault, but would it be so wrong to hope for something?

  
Chanyeol lies on the couch, staring at what was a sky-blue ceiling that he remembered painting with Baekhyun.

It was during the time when they moved in there, with Baekhyun insisting that he chipped in on their renting fees. Chanyeol insisted that they had more than enough money to cover the entire year’s worth of rental fees.

Chanyeol could feel the impending punch in his heart—lips trembling at the reminder.

  
They talked about so much of their future together, planned it all out and he just had to ruin it this way.  
A sob wracks out of him, and before he knows it, he’s heaving, rolling to his side because he could feel his soul being ripped apart for being such a failure—for being a disappointment.

Half of the morning was spent with Chanyeol wallowing in guilt and heartbreak.

  
Walking aimlessly was becoming a hobby. It’s Chanyeol living his life, now that Baekhyun is gone—he’s got no more direction because he fucked up.

He wonders if he should spend his coming years like this—wandering around to end up who knows where.

Because his heart aches—it’s nagging on him, telling him how stupid he was to give in to temporary happiness when he has a lifetime’s worth of it waiting for him at home.

His guilt his eating him up—and at the same time is the budding hate for himself that’s starting to bottom. It’s all too much to bear because he’s lost, and he doesn’t know what to do. Fear is etching onto his skin, the thought of rejection lingering as he recalls the way Baekhyun recoiled from him in the last night that they were trying to make it work.

Among the many things that’d happened—it was the most heart breaking image for him. Baekhyun turning away, not wanting him anymore; the mere thought of Baekhyun falling out of love with him could very well kill him.

As he walks around the neighbourhood without aim, Chanyeol wonders if he could die from heartbreak because he thinks he will, very soon.

  
. . .

  
There wasn’t much to do at home, just lying around, eating and wasting away. Chanyeol had been cleaning the house constantly, hoping that in exchange for his messed up life, he could make amends by actually keeping the place where he’s staying in a tad cleaner than his being.

He doesn’t come to realize this though, just that his mind is on auto-pilot, and he thinks that the more he cleans, the more he can make peace with his fuck-ups.

His last destination is the bedroom, the crime scene—he thinks because of how much pain it inflicts him just by being there. It’s like a haunted area now in the house, despite him staying there most of the time. Because he hears Baekhyun’s voice in his head, his sobs mostly; and he’s trying to live with it because this is what he deserves.

  
Chanyeol vacuums around the house despite the floor being clean. His eyebrows are furrowed with focus, arms flexing by every move he does.

It’s rumbling outside, and with it, Chanyeol’s heart trembles. He reaches for the overhead cabinet attached to their closet, and finds there a few boxes that’d been stashed since a long time ago.

Chanyeol has decided to go over to his in-laws, in hopes that the brunet is there, and knowing Baekhyun, these boxes are important to him, as it’d been over 6 years of knowing the petite, he wouldn’t go anywhere without it. It’d always been a mystery to him, but Chanyeol never opened the box because Baekhyun told him not to. It was the only promise that he’s kept with him so far.

Funny, because Baekhyun’s not even there to call him out on it if he ever snooped around—despite so, he’ll keep to his promise.

  
With weak knees, the red-head decides that he should pack them to the car. If he’s going to see Baekhyun there, then at the very least he should let himself be seen as proper—but alas, Chanyeol’s stance is sluggish, the sun making its step down for the moon to take over.

There’s anguish everywhere he looks, and he thinks that this is all because of him.

  
Seeing black and white in his eyes, Chanyeol hurries outside as the rain pours mercilessly, wetting his frame and the box in his embrace.

His knees give up on him mid-way through and he stumbles, only catching himself midst the fall and the contents of the box are revealed to him.

Under the rain, Chanyeol devastatingly stands before drenched photo albums that he’s long forgotten existed.

Engagement, Wedding, Anniversaries—and a revelation that only dawns to him, his whole body shaking in its deterioration as his eyes zero in on his own signature on a white bundle of paper scattered on the wet pavement.

Chanyeol’s knees clacks onto the cemented ground, eyes wide as fear eats him from the inside, his heart beating harder than it has before.  
The memory hits him—Baekhyun’s words raw in his ears as everything bottoms into his being.

“… Chanyeol? Are you leaving?”

“Can you do me a favour before you go?”

“I applied to an Art course, and it’s requiring my guardian’s signature, can you sign it? The papers are just at the coffee table.”

Chanyeol feels as though he was stabbed, his chest feeling prickly as he stares at the drenched objects lying there.

He signed it—and he didn’t even know it himself.

  
Chanyeol gathers them in a hurry, stashing them back into the box, divorce papers tearing like goo, but he still puts them there.

He’s holding the box in his arms, his shoulders shaking as he allows himself to cry hard, his voice cracking at every sound of heartbreak he makes.

He’s taking these to Baekhyun—despite the revelation. He’ll let him decide what is right. And if it meant giving back the freedom of his other half; Chanyeol heartbrokenly thinks that he deserves this outcome—whatever it will be.

  
The drive had taken long. Chanyeol’s body is trembling as he holds onto the stirring wheel tight, mind focused on one thing.

He doesn’t really care much now, realizing that Baekhyun had been deciding whether or not they end this.

But his mind also goes back to the mere fact that the brunet hadn’t signed the papers himself—unnecessary hope blooming at a fast phase but he hits his chest as he makes a right turn.

By the time that Chanyeol reaches his destination, the rain had stopped, only a small drizzle making its way down from the grey skies.

Chanyeol’s eyes automatically darts towards the window at the second storey of the house; curtains heavily blocking the view, but Chanyeol’s mind are gambling on the mere thought that Baekhyun is in there.

Standing there, he wonders if the brunet would be willing to see him. It’s been almost half a year since, bordering to the 7th month since the last time he saw the male.

The ache that’s made its permanence in his heart is throbbing. Not because he’s scared of rejection, rather because he’s so sure that Baekhyun won’t face him.

Not now, and honestly speaking, he doesn’t know if he ever will.

  
Midst his thoughts, Chanyeol’s attention is taken in by the squeak of the gates resounding.

He finds a petite woman there, staring at him in expectation. He’s never met her, but the mere resemblance that Baekhyun holds with her is enough to tell Chanyeol who she is in his husband’s life.

Chanyeol bows with much respect, his body bent and his heart the heaviest at the situation.

The weight of the guilt making angry waves in his being doesn’t allow him to stand up straight—the heart break which adds onto over and over again tips his recently-gotten balance and without much of an exchange between them, the redhead ends up crying before her.

He sheds heavy tears before his mother-in-law; for shame, for regret—for everything.

  
He never intended for things to go this way—for him to lose sight of what he needs, for what they aim for.

It was once upon a time, when Chanyeol too, was so sure that he and Baekhyun would be together forever.

 

[ Baekhyun ]

It takes a total of 8 months before he gives into his mother’s request. Baekhyun, now coming to terms with his mother and father’s change for the better has been urged to try and talk things out.

They dropped him off across the house that was once his home. Drove away just to tell him that he has nowhere to go, the brunet stood beneath the grey skies, under the tree as he waits for the threatening rain to pour.

Baekhyun doesn’t know how to go there again.

The house seemed so foreign to him, after months of not seeing it. For a moment, he wonders if Chanyeol had already moved, but the thought is dismissed upon seeing the door open.

The petite is quick to hide behind the tree, peeking in. His heart is thumping hard, the healing wound making cracks where they lie and it makes him rethink this decision.

But in Baekhyun’s mind are thirty roses down at the hall in their home. Placed in a white vase that his mother brought back from Paris, she boasted that she’s been keeping the flowers alive and that they should think of having a garden built at the backyard—she thinks there will be more of them to come.

Baekhyun knew that Chanyeol’s been sending them every other day. With his mother trying to coax him to drawing the curtains on a daily basis, only to end up returning to his room with a rose, Baekhyun had somehow grown a little courage to face the cause of turmoil in his heart.

  
Chanyeol steps out of the house, and Baekhyun doesn’t really know why, but it’s though he was brought back to 6 years ago because the Chanyeol that he sees is barely close in resemblance to the one that he walked out on.

Clad in a graphic shirt that he remembered stashing away years back when the male had gotten his official name into the company; Chanyeol’s blood-red hair is no more, all grown out from its short clean cut.

It’s as if he’s meeting Chanyeol for the first time again—six years, 7 months and 23 days back, with his ginger worn-out hair, tied to the back into a small pony tail, glasses atop his nose bridge.

Baekhyun thinks he wasn’t ready to do this.

  
With more than half the mind to go back home, Baekhyun gets his last push because the rain pours in on him. He hisses out a “fuck!” making himself jump because it wasn’t so inaudible at all.

With his body dripping wet, the brunet freezes in his spot because he could hear the faint voice of Chanyeol, asking who’s there.

“… Baekhyun?” The voice called out-- vibrant, expectant, and hopeful.

This wasn’t what Baekhyun planned.

  
He was here for closure.

  
. . .

  
Baekhyun finds himself in the living room. It’s much more spacious than he remembered it being, and some things have changed, noticing the way every piece of furniture had been rearranged.

It makes Baekhyun wonder how Chanyeol is.

After he left, after he hid away from him—not a single word of utterance except for what he vividly remembers writing down on that torn piece of paper.

  
They’re both soaked to the bone. Chanyeol turns on the electric fireplace he got a month ago after being sick and close to the death, when he went down to his in-laws’

Silence surrounds the two wherever they go, and there’s nothing but the ticking of the wall clock placed atop the arc-way door towards the open kitchen resounding.

Funny because Baekhyun’s waited for this day; more than once ever since Chanyeol decided to show up in his life again, he’d imagined the both of them hitting each other out of anger and pent-up emotions.

But instead, there’s nothing.

Words, curses, apologies—nothing at all.

  
Baekhyun’s heart is swollen again, his lips fighting the tremble that he feels within himself is trying to get out and makes its appearance.

It hasn’t been long since he’s learned to fight the tears—hasn’t been long since he stopped mourning, because he finally came to terms that Chanyeol did cheat on him.

There were 6 years behind them to back up the fact that Chanyeol still loved him, but as much as it sounds awful to hear coming from himself—those 6 long years could also back up the fact that he was growing to bore his husband enough to make him look elsewhere.

Was Baekhyun going to wallow in self-pity and mourn over this forever? He planned to.

He wanted to.

  
But seeing how his parents—whom he only found out also went the same experience—are okay now, better than okay; he thought he wanted to see where this would lead.

Whether he and Chanyeol would decide to part, or will they decide finally that they can’t live without each other.

  
Baekhyun had come and gone, and for the longest time, he’s asked himself this question.

It had prevented him from leaving the first time, and right about now, he’s in the process of leaning on the mere truth. That Baekhyun will never love anyone else the same way he loves Chanyeol.

And it hurts—like a bitch. It hurts like a bitch to assume that Chanyeol doesn’t. But can’t he prove him otherwise? Baekhyun wishes that he does because he’s in so much fucking pain wondering if Chanyeol ever loved him like this.

Back when, he wondered about turning the tables on the man—what if during the time that they were apart—what if, what if sometime back then, Baekhyun and Chanyeol met again only for him to know that he’d dated someone?  
Baekhyun thought of these things, thought about revenge just to see Chanyeol wear the exact same expression that he did.

It made him think in Chanyeol’s shoes and he realized…

Just how much he doesn’t want that.

  
It’s what allowed him to be brave enough to be there—the thought that Chanyeol’s tears may have been sincere, his mother’s words ringing in his ears because it’s miracle knocking on one’s door if they’d choose to fight for you than throw away what you had by leaving for good.

Along with the piling roses from the same sender every other day, Baekhyun’s heart grows little thorns ready to defend himself—but also ready to let go of the ache-- if they ever get past this.

  
So as Baekhyun sits there on the new vanilla couch facing the electronic fireplace that crackles, he stays in silence, waiting for whatever has to unfold, unfold.

Soft cotton lands on his shoulders, startling him. Chanyeol’s words don’t come audible, but his eyes—the ones that are staring right back at him told him of many things.

Even from outside, with their eyes landing against one another, it was evident how much Chanyeol has already soared with hope.

How do they get past this when all they do is walk on tipped toes around the issue? Baekhyun holds onto the bathrobe, shooting his arms into the sleeves as he puts it on. He’s still drenched, but seeing how Chanyeol isn’t even affected with how he’s literally making a puddle on the floor, he attempts a conversation.

C-Chanyeol…

Baekhyun’s heart constricts at the signals in his head—only realizing that late how much he can’t even utter said male’s name because of all the pain it brings.

“… Listen, I—“ He tries.

But Chanyeol’s expression already tells him a lot. It fucking hurts to see him talking like this. Fucking hurts when he can’t even begin to explain in words—tell him why it happened from the start.

Chanyeol’s eyebrows are furrowed, his lower lip trembling. They’re both drenched from the rain, newspaper be damned right at the doorstep and Baekhyun remains frozen in his seat whilst Chanyeol is standing there looking the same idiot that he was months back when Baekhyun walked out.

Baekhyun wants to laugh at himself. Pain is doing him a bad dose of forgetfulness—wasn’t he the one who refused to listen? Chanyeol said he wanted to explain, but what did he do? He shunned him away, made him play along in his little trial and error.

It makes him want to cry and laugh all over again because whatever that event came down to, it was his fault.

  
But being here now—after the long time and distance that put them away from one another, the brunet knows that this is more than counting blames and pointing fingers.

His mother was right. If he wanted to get over this, he had to accept it happened first, and then he can find the courage to talk about it.

Baekhyun lowers his head, averting his gaze from Chanyeol.

He needs to calm down and not let his emotions take over. He has to be brave, just like the past months that he wasn’t—he has to hear everything, has to do everything he didn’t when he had the chance to.

“Baekhyun…“ Chanyeol sighs, something different and off with the way he does it.

There’s not a hint of happiness in there, neither that of life and it puts him off his balance to realize how dead Chanyeol is up close. From far away, he looks exactly like he was in their youthful days…

But now that he can see the big picture, he’s just as empty as he is—probably more because Chanyeol doesn’t look anywhere near forgiving himself.

“How’ve you been doing?” Chanyeol’s voice, mellow and soft. A liquidated version of regret and heart break seeping into the patches of every word.

Chanyeol doesn’t wait for him to speak, instead the male only walks away, and heads towards what he remembers was once their bedroom. Baekhyun watches as the ginger head stops right there, fishing out the keys as if he kept a secret in there, Chanyeol unlocked the door walked in.

It dawns to Baekhyun a few minutes later as to what Chanyeol has gone in there for. Because he comes back with a huge box in his arms, it’s worn out and torn, but there are tapes around to keep it intact.  
It takes no genius for the brunet to realize that the secret is finally out—Chanyeol’s read the divorce papers and he’s probably realized how he’s fooled him into signing it.

And that may just be another push towards the path of their ending.

Baekhyun feels the panic in his blood, he knew in the life of him that he was here for closure, but not this easily. It makes his head spin, knowing that the Chanyeol now has decided to give up on him.

Were those roses for nothing then?

What the fuck was he hoping for if this was what it was going to end up to?

Baekhyun doesn’t know why but upon the tightening of his air pipe, he stands up to breathe in heavily. He feels like he’s drowning again, and Chanyeol’s pushing him in much deeper misery than he already was.

When Chanyeol hands the box over to him, Baekhyun’s heart breaks to a thousand of pieces and regret bottoms—because maybe it would have been better if he’d found the courage to hear out Chanyeol before, maybe they’d have a different ending than this one.

  
With a broken heart, Baekhyun’s body goes on auto-pilot. He wasn’t ready for this reality. He never wanted to walk out at all.

Baekhyun’s eyes are unfocused as he walks towards the door. He doesn’t say anything to Chanyeol who’s looking at him with that look—of regret, of the same heart breaking gaze that he sends to himself whence he stares at the mirror pitying himself.

It’s like his heart has been taken away—being forced to walk around and live empty without it.

But love was the biggest motherfucker of all.

Because two steps away from the door knob, with his hand already reaching for it, Baekhyun’s ears play with him because Chanyeol’s footsteps are quick and gradually getting louder towards him.

And before the brunet knows it, the tears are back—much worse than the past months, more vicious than the last time he’s ever been in this house—ever since he’s been home.

“It’s too late, I know,” Chanyeol whispers into his ears as he’s captured by the man, “But I should have fucking stopped you and begged you to stay. I should have done this back then—b-but I—

I’m so sorry, Baek.”

Baekhyun cries in Chanyeol’s embrace, wrapped tightly around the ginger head.

And the both of them fall on the floor, their bodies close and aching with longing.

  
The both of them cry like children, Baekhyun for finally being able to breathe again because he knows what this means—he hopes he does. And it’s not long before he lets the box go, contents spilling onto the floor and he turns around on his knees to return the embrace.

The hearts they froze from months ago finally melt into each other; and as the box lies there, scattered on the floor, Baekhyun is lifted by the taller. Baekhyun’s sight is blurry, and as Chanyeol takes him somewhere in the house that he doesn’t recognize, he just embraces the male, sobs his heart out because it hurts—it still hurts and the pain isn’t dull but alive with hope, need and love.

  
The whole evening was spent in the dark—heavy blankets sheathing his aching soul, Baekhyun weeped the night away as Chanyeol finally spilled everything.

Every word was excruciating, every confession as to how it all materialized, how Chanyeol felt lost and different as things furthered. He explained how it’d all been a miserable one night thing, knowing how Chanyeol hadn’t always been good with his liquor—Baekhyun had only to lie there and take everything the male says, and listen to it. Finally listen to it with both ears and face it.

“You were leaving on a trip with him…” Baekhyun murmured, remembering how much he had to be brave for that, to finally make Chanyeol realize that he wasn’t in the dark as he was anymore. “You chose to be with him so I was going to have to let you go…”

Chanyeol simply squeezed him against his chest, breathing him in and kissing the top of his head, “And god knows how I died inside the moment I gained my conscience back. I swear, Baek—I was caught up in the moment. He reminded me so much of you that I- I think I lost myself.

I’m so sorry. I know this not enough but—but please, give me a chance to prove it to you. I love you, Baek. I’ve been dead the moment you left and-- I know I’m not making sense but…

If it’s alright with you, would you… Start over? With me?”

Silence.

Nothing but.

Because Baekhyun’s heart is pounding in his chest, his ears throbbing at the things he’s hearing.

His heart is doing somersaults, his eyesight regaining color.

“You don’t have to answer me now. Anytime you’re ready.” Chanyeol mutters, “And every waking day, I’ll court you.

Not just in this lifetime but in all that will come. Just let me into your life again.”

 

  
[ Chanyeol ]

Morning came in the form of Chanyeol already in the kitchen. After his morning walk (added with a little life), Chanyeol had gone to the small garden that he sat up just near his place.

It was a quick trip, making his way back to the bedroom only to leave a rose on top of the pillow for it to be the first thing Baekhyun sees. He leaves a note there too—much like the previous flowers he’s been leaving by the mailbox of the Byuns’ home.

After doing so, he quickly descends the second storey—what was their old attic room from before now renovated into the master bedroom where Chanyeol passes his days being cooped up in.

He decides in making breakfast with hopes that Baekhyun would join him. It’s been forever since he’s last awoken to that man, been a while since he actually smiled, thankful that the morning arrived.

Caffeine, his best friend is whiffing into the air as he worked around. There’s no longer an island counter in the kitchen, just a small round table for two because Chanyeol had focused on remodelling the house to remind him what he’d lost.

Midst it all, he feels a presence, bare feet tapping onto the wooden flooring; he turns to find Baekhyun standing there in wonder.

“Breakfast?” Chanyeol mutters.

Baekhyun doesn’t reply, but he heads over to the chair to take his seat.

After preparing the meal, the tall male quickly serves everything up. First the cups of hot drinks, followed by the two plates of meal he cooked up.

  
He sits across Baekhyun and he notices quickly that the brunet refuses to meet him in the eyes.

Chanyeol’s heart is in shambles.

Was he getting an answer from last night finally?

  
As the both of them share an awkward start, he slugs onto his seat as he forks his food piece by piece. He can’t take his eyes off the brunet though, so he just stares at him, hand reaching in to slowly caress his hand with a finger or two.

But it’s in a few moments later when Chanyeol notices that Baekhyun isn’t pulling away.

“You’ll… wait? For me?” Baekhyun whispers into the air.

So cold yet so warm to one’s heart, he couldn’t dare to look at the brunet afraid of what he might see in his eyes.

Chanyeol nods in response.

“What if I take forever?”

“Then I’ll wait forever.” Chanyeol lets out an exhausted chuckle, “I was so sure that you wouldn’t leave me—it’s probably where I got the guts to be a fuck-up.

I’ll wait.

If you’re not ready to see me after this—at all, I’ll do whatever I can so that you won’t ever have to run into me. After all, I’ve managed to stay away this long… right?”

Baekhyun shakes his head at this, their joined hands, now the only focused-on. The warmth of their hands when holding on tightly, speaking more for them than the words they’re uttering.

“You don’t have to go that far.” Baekhyun replies, “I just need more time. I just want to think things through before I say anything-- before we make the next move.”

  
Instead of feeling sorry for himself, Chanyeol found himself smiling as he looked at their still-entwined hands.

“That’s enough for me.” Chanyeol mutters seconds after what Baekhyun said.

“It’s enough for me that you’re still considering me in your future.”

 

* * *

 

A rose in the morning greets Baekhyun’s new day, a rose in the evening to wish him good night.

This is how Chanyeol lived by.

Not a shadow, not a sight, as he promised Baekhyun, he’ll give him time.

Every other day, Chanyeol hid away but made his feelings evident—at sight.

  
Losing faith in a love that was, Baekhyun’s wounds were permanently etched into his heart. In this he learned that love is fragile, in this he learned that loving the same person is a choice one makes, one’s halved soul will decide.

13, 26, 45…

Baekhyun’s mom had been right with the creation of a garden in their backyard.

Everything is glowing red, all of them tied with a note, not one missed from Chanyeol’s disastrous handwriting.

  
For 8 months, Chanyeol’s placed all his efforts, Baekhyun unwavering—unforgiving.

Since the last time that they talked, not a word of another apology or forgiveness has been said.

  
They were back at square one.

 

 

At the three hundred sixty-fourth rose, Baekhyun stood outside the gates, waiting by the mailbox where the roses are always left, he says the question in his head over and over again.

_“Is it alright for me to be sure this time…?”_


End file.
